Text: Hebrews 13:4
Preacher: Pastor Brian Sauvé
Singing Solomon’s Song
Now, remember what we’re doing in this final chapter of the book of Hebrews. In the first 12 chapters, the author showed us from the Old Testament:
…that Jesus is better than all of his forerunners and rivals, that he is the very speech of God, the final, divine Prophet;
…that he is the great and irreplaceable High Priest of God, our Advocate in the holy place where the Accuser once stood, a Priest after the Order of Melchizedek, in fulfillment of what we sang just this morning together, Psalm 110.
…that he is the divine King, ruling from his seat at the Father’s right hand, bringing the nations into obedience to his throne through the work of the gospel, Psalm 2, Psalm 110.
That argument was the substance of the first twelve chapters of the book. Now, in his final instructions in this final chapter, the author teaches us how to live. If we are a new humanity, united to this Christ and being remade in that image—and we are!—then how ought we to live?
And as we began doing that last week, we saw that the heart of what distinguishes how we do things differently after Christ saves us is an issue of love—that sin is fundamentally about having disordered loves, and as God saves us and transforms us from one degree of glory into another into the image of Christ, he will do so by rightly ordering our loves, both for God and for our neighbor.
So as we take up just a single verse, Hebrews 13:4, this morning, we’ll see how God would rightly order our loves when it comes to marriage and the marriage bed. Look there with me at Hebrews 13:4. This is the Word of the Living God:
“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”
-Hebrews 13:4
Thus ends the reading of God’s Word. May he write it on our hearts. Let’s pray.
So here’s what we’re going to do: The text provokes us to ask three very pressing questions:
Is marriage being held in honor in our culture? And the reason I want to start here is because I think it will help us to hopefully see some of the ways in which we are like fish, who don’t know they’re wet because they’re swimming in the ocean.
That there are very likely patterns and presuppositions and values that we have unconsciously absorbed from the background cultural view of sex and marriage—without even knowing it. So we need to, as Paul commands in Ephesians 5:11, “Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them.” So we want to expose the sexual folly of our culture in order to make sure it hasn’t wormed its way into our own thinking.What would it look like to hold marriage in honor at Refuge Church? Against that background cultural level, what ought we to do differently?
How can we fight to keep our marriage beds gloriously undefiled, so that they can sing the Song of Solomon with fruitful joy?
One quick word here up front before we jump into those questions. First, for anyone who is feeling uncomfortable with this topic with kids in the room, I will first say that I am not going to be crass or inappropriate, just frank. Where do we want our children to hear about sex and marriage—from the sanctuary, gathered with God’s people, with Bibles open, or elsewhere?
Is Marriage Held in Honor?
So that said, let’s ask that first question that the text provokes us to ask: Is marriage being held in honor in our culture?
Remember, cultures are things that grow up out of the worship of a people. The word culture comes from the word cultus, which is a word that grew out of both worship (think “cult”) and farming (think “cultivation”).
So when we diagnose a culture, we’re really diagnosing the worship of a people. We’re really looking into their gods and the laws that those gods utter to the people who worship them. We’re looking at the fruit that is being cultivated by a people who are involved in a certain cultus, or system of worship.
So, is marriage being held in honor in our culture? And the emphatic answer we have to give is: No!
No. The worship of our culture has produced a people who dishonor and despise marriage.
We delay marriage for as long as possible, encouraging fornication and pornography as healthy outlets to learn the ropes before committing to a marriage.
In the name of an egalitarian view of success, we tell our girls to go get saddled with student loan debt so they have to work for 10 years outside the home just to pay it off once they are married, so they can’t stay home with the kids, so they delay having kids.
We glory in divorce without just cause, throwing divorce parties and allowing for no-fault divorces for virtually any reason.
We defile the marriage bed with pornography and adultery—and not just the kind that you get on illicit websites, but also the kind that is baked into most primetime movies and TV shows.
And we defy God’s law by defining homosexual abominations as marriage, what one pastor rightly calls “same-sex mirage,” rather than upholding God’s design human sexuality.
So something about the gods that our culture worship is overflowing into a dishonoring of marriage. And it’s not hard to see why that might be. The gods of our culture are things autonomy—the freedom to define what is good and bad ourselves, even to define ourselves—and the god of comfort—the freedom from responsibility and duty—and the god of unrestrained self-expression, including sexual self-expression.
You can see how the worship of those gods would produce a culture that dishonors marriage.
Holding Marriage High
So that sets the field for us, right? That’s what we’re working with as a cultural background-level of marriage-dishonor, so that we can now ask the second pressing question the text demands of us: What would it look like to hold marriage in honor at Refuge Church?
To do that, we need to get something very fundamental about marriage right.
We need to know what marriage actually is and is for.
See, if you don’t know what a thing is, how can you use it properly?
If you think a ball-peen hammer is a spatula, you’re going to be disappointed when you go to flip your eggs. If you think marriage is just a culturally adapted arrangement of people in whatever shape you want it to be for whatever you want to do, you will never succeed in properly honoring it.
But Paul teaches us something profound about marriage. He himself calls it profound, actually, in Ephesians 5:31–32, that when God established marriage way back in Genesis 2, that a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh, “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the Church.”
Marriage, Paul teaches us, is a three-dimensional, technicolor, living parable of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Meaning we can’t properly honor marriage unless we understand that, which is why Christians are the only ones who can really hold marriage up as high as it ought.
We approach marriage with a fundamentally different story than the secular humanist or the moralist or the deist or the Buddhist or the Muslim, right? When we approach marriage and the marriage bed, we believe that we are telling a story with this shape:
“I come from the dirt—but not without help. I come from dirt on a planet orbiting a star in a galaxy in a Universe breathed out by the living God. I come from my father, Adam, hand-formed from the dust of the earth by God and for God.
But my father Adam fell, and so I come from a race of rebels against that same God. A race that has used God’s gifts as weapons of destruction. But in love, he has come for us. God the Son left the house of his Father, descended from his throne of glory, clothed in flesh, Jesus Christ, to save a race of rebels.
He came as a Bridegroom to win a Bride—a bride unworthy of him, a spiritual prostitute. But he is no weak savior. He slays the dragon of sin at the cost of his own blood. He takes off the rags of her prostitution and puts a wedding dress on her. She is saved, changed, redeemed, and transformed—a bride adorned.
When a man leaves his father and mother and wins a bride and the two become one flesh, they do so therefore as preachers of this story.
So nothing about marriage is mundane or small if you have eyes to see. The marriage bed is no vain or tame thing—it is not first about nerve endings, but about the gospel of the glory of God.
No, our marriage beds preach that life is found at the union of the Bridegroom and his Bride. Our bed preaches that our heavenly husband has taken initiative—he pursues, he wins, he loves, he cherishes.
And our marriage beds preach covenant faithfulness, undefiled and glorious—that our Bridegroom is fiercely faithful.”
That is our story, friends. And it is a profoundly good story. See, fundamentally, we believe that marriage is a sermon that preaches the glory of God in Christ again and again.
So understanding that, we honor marriage by encouraging godly, fruitful marriage as the normative plan for most Christians, that God intends for us to preach that story by marrying and being fruitful and multiplying—as he told our father Adam in Genesis 1, and our father Noah again in Genesis 8 and 9.
And we honor marriage by telling our children the promise of Acts 2:38–39, that the gospel-promise is for us and our children and all who are far off. And by faith, we obediently raise our children in the fear and understanding of the Lord Jesus, knowing that fruitful marriage and godly parenting is one of the means by which God intends to set apart every part of the world for his glory, as our children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren take hold of that promise and continue the same story of faith through the generations.
Now I know that singleness is kind of hip right now in the evangelical world. And Paul certainly praises singleness in 1 Corinthians 7, but listen—not singleness as an equally viable alternative to fruitful marriage. No, he praises singleness for the sake of risky, gospel missions.
Like Johnny, the missionary we support that I mentioned last week. He left the US for the Middle East at age 18, and he did so to preach the gospel where it wasn’t heard, in places where people regularly beat him up and threaten him with death.
And he’s single for the sake of that ministry. He doesn’t have to think about protecting and providing for a wife and children in that context.
Now holding that picture in our minds—singleness for the sake of risky, dangerous gospel ministry—think about what it’s like for people to take verses encouraging that kind of singleness and using it to justify long-term intentional singleness as an equally valid alternative to pursuing marriage and children.
Now obviously, a man or woman can’t guarantee that he will find a godly spouse. It’s possible to want a spouse and, in God’s providence, just not have found one yet. That’s ok. Trust God. Hope in God, not in marriage. Don’t worship marriage or a spouse or children—they are profoundly bad gods.
But do ask God to bless you that way. Do put your sails up and hope for a breeze. Singleness is hip right now in the modern evangelical world, and I think we should be suspicious of why that is. Why is singleness hip? Could it be that it’s hip because our culture hates marriage and hates childbearing and hates the natural family?
Could it be that our culture worships autonomy and comfort and so rejects marriage, which requires fidelity and sacrifice and the giving away of yourself to another? We need to take care that we think through these things Christianly.
Gloriously Undefiled Marriage Beds
So that said, let’s turn the final part of this verse, where the author says that we are to “…let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”
Here’s the question: How can we fight to keep our marriage beds gloriously undefiled, so that they can sing the Song of Solomon with fruitful joy? Let’s answer that question in three ways:
1. Believe that your marriage bed stands before God.
Your marriage bed, my marriage bed, stands before God. That’s partly the point of the statement that we ought to “…let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and the adulterous.”
As in all things, our sexuality and our marriage beds stand before a holy God. Now, two ways we need to hear this: First, that they stand before a God who smiles over them. Remember, sex is good; sex is God’s idea. He is for your marriage bed.
Second, Proverbs 5:21 says that “…all a man’s ways are before the eyes of the LORD,” meaning husbands, wives—the Lord knows it all. He knows our browser histories. He knows the trajectory of your gaze and the thoughts of your mind.
So we need to believe that we stand before God in our marriage covenants, and repent quickly and fully of any shred of pornography, adultery, and sexual immorality. Tell your wife today. Tell your husband today. Go today to the throne of mercy for grace. You have an Advocate there. Be clean. Be forgiven. Be restored.
Sexual sin is poison to the freedom and trust and security that is essential to a joyful marriage bed. We need to properly tremble before a holy God, a holy God who tells us in 1 Corinthians 6 that the sexually immoral will not inherit the Kingdom of God.
That means that there is no safety from hell in unrepentant pornography use, adultery, homosexual practice, and all the rest.
2. Husbands, shoulder the responsibility for the state of your marriage bed.
If marriage is a parable of Christ and his Bride, then men are called to take initiative and responsibility for the state of their marriage, including the marriage bed. One thing that means is to take initiate in obeying glorious commands like Proverbs 5:15–23,
“Drink water from your own cistern,
flowing water from your own well.
Should your springs be scattered abroad,
streams of water in the streets?
Let them be for yourself alone,
and not for strangers with you.
Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.
Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman
and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?
For a man's ways are before the eyes of the LORD,
and he ponders all his paths.
The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him,
and he is held fast in the cords of his sin.
He dies for lack of discipline,
and because of his great folly he is led astray.”-Proverbs 5:15–23
Men, you were made to take initiative—and to take initiative in obeying a specific command, which is is for you to delight in your wife. Your marital duty before God is to delight in your wife.
What that means is that you take initiative to openly, verbally, out loud, and regularly delight in your wife. You need to study her, notice her, cherish her, delight in her. She needs to hear from your mouth words of praise. Praise of her beauty, of her femininity. She needs to hear, “Bone of my bone! Flesh of my flesh!”
We are Adam’s sons. She is Eve’s daughter. Sing over her.
The Song of Solomon compares the marriage bed to a private, walled garden. So men, if your garden has weeds growing in it rather than an orchard, take initiative. Talk to your wife. Get working on pulling weeds. Don’t give up.
3. We keep our marriage beds undefiled by working to outdo one another in showing honor.
In Romans 12, Paul commands Christians to “outdo one another in showing honor” with respect to just about all aspects of our relationships. Consider what this principle would look like as it relates to the marriage bed.
What if a husband made it his aim to outdo his wife in showing her honor? What if a wife made it her aim to outdo her husband in showing him honor?
What if they did this with their words—publicly and privately—showing honor to each other? What if you honored your spouse by proactively trying to satisfy their sexual desires? What if you went out of your way to honor them by trying to make your sexual relationship something they delighted in?
Because men and women are deeply different, this honor will also look deeply different. Maybe something like this:
What if our men deeply honored their wives? What if they gave their lives to making her feel totally secure and desired? What if our men honored their wives by genuinely taking interest in her as a whole human being and not just in her sexually?
What if our women deeply honored their husbands? What if she honored him publicly—his strength and masculinity—with words and attitude? What if they committed to never publicly tear him down or insult him?
What if she sought to honor him, to go out of her way to show that she wants to be his exclusive source of sexual satisfaction? What if she went out of her way to be his delight? What if she boldly invited him to delight in her with freedom and creativity?
Listen to Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 7:4–5,
“For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
-1 Corinthians 7:4–5
A man obeys this command when he, in the fear of God, refuses to use his body as if it belongs to himself alone. He obeys this command when he refuses to scatter his springs abroad and seek sexual delight outside of his own private garden, his wife. He says, “I belong to you and no other.”
A woman obeys this command when she, in the fear of God, refuses to act as if her body belongs to herself alone. She obeys this command when she gives herself away to her husband and invites him to enjoy what is his. She says, “I belong to you and no other.”
I hope you see that the difference between defiling and honoring marriage and the marriage bed is not just about what we don’t do, but what we do. The Scriptures teach us that one of the ways we fight sexual sin is through sexual delight in the walled garden of the marriage covenant.
Let me end our time with this encouragement: The Christian marriage bed doesn’t just preach the gospel of Christ—it’s only hope is the gospel of Christ.
Are you a sexual sinner? I am. Is anyone clean? Can anyone stand before the holy places clothed in their own righteousness except our High Priest? No.
So what? So let shame do what sin and shame is always meant to do: Drive us to the throne of mercy. Only the gospel can free us from the shame of our sexual sin and restore us to sexual wholeness.
Friends, we are Christians! This means that we have what nobody else has—a place to go with our own sin and our spouse’s sin. We have the cross. We build our marriages on the bedrock of gospel-covenant.